i don't like sucking hair
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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