I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
