yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
Betty ford says i'm here all night
My balls are so social today.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
