Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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