I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
True but thats because hes a fetus.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
