I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
