I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
