I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I just googled if crying burns calories
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
