You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Randomize
