Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
