tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
