Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
