my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
