He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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