I need to stop coming to work sober
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
