sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
