NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
