I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize