I feel like abortions should bother me more
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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