brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize
