She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
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