one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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