peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
