Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize