Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
