im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
