very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
