Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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