You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
