I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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