she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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