I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
