I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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