Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
