I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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