My Higher Power is John Stamos
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
