shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize