a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
