is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Randomize
