He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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