my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
