This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
i wish my penis had a tongue
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
