I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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