Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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