I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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