Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
