i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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