so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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