yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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