They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
