my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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