I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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