Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
