Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Randomize