I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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