before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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