your parents love me but you hate me
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
We need a shit load of segways right now
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
