is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
