We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
