guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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