Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
You need a sexual gate keeper
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
